Don't even think of calling your
mother or father.
They cannot hear you.
No one can help you now.
I came through the chimney
in the form of a crow.
You are my first this Christmas.
You are a very special boy, you know.
You have been bad,
bad every day,
dreamt every night
of the next day's evil.
It takes a lot of knack
to give others misery
for three hundred and sixty
consecutive days!
How many boys have you beaten?
How many small animals killed?
Half the pets in this town
have scars from meeting you.
Am I Santa Claus? Cack, ack, ack!
Do I look like Santa, you little shit?
Look at my bare-bone skull,
my eyes like black jelly,
my tattered shroud.
My name is Ruprecht,
Knecht Ruprecht.
I'm Santa's cousin! Cack, ack, ack!
Do stop squirming and listen--
(of course I am hurting you!)
I have a lot of visits to make.
My coffin is moored to your chimney.
My vultures are freezing their beaks off.
But as I said, you are special.
You are my Number One boy.
When you grow up,
you are going to be a noxious skinhead,
maybe a famous assassin.
Your teachers are already afraid of you.
In a year or two you will discover girls,
a whole new dimension of cruelty and pleasure.
Now let us get down to business.
Let me get my bag here.
Presents? Presents! Cack, ack, ack!
See these things? They are old,
old as the Inquisition,
make dental instruments look like toys.
No, nothing much, no permanent harm.
I shall take a few of your teeth,
and then I shall put them back.
This is going to hurt. There--
the clamp is in place.
Let's see--where to plug in
those electrodes?
Oh, now, don't whimper and pray to God!
As if you ever believed! Cack, ack, ack!
I know every tender place in a boy's body.
There, that's fine! My, look at the blood!
Look at the blood!
You'll be good from now on? That's a laugh.
Am I doing this to teach you a lesson?
I am the Punisher. I do this
because I enjoy it! I am ... just ... like ... you!
There is nothing you can do!
I can make a minute of pain seem like a year!
And no one will ever believe you!
Worse yet, you cannot change.
Tomorrow you shall be more hateful than ever.
The world will wish you had never been born.
Well now, our time is up. Sorry for the mess.
You may tell your mother
you had a nosebleed.
Your father is giving you a hunting knife
for which I am sure you will have a thousand uses.
Just let me lick those tears from your cheeks.
I love the taste of children's tears.
My, it is late! Time to fly! Cack, ack, ack!
I shall be back next Christmas Eve!
rev. 2022
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