Knecht Ruprecht, or The Bad Boy's Christmas

by Brett Rutherford

Don’t even think of calling your

mother or father.

They can't hear you.

No one can help you now.

I came through the chimney

in the form of a crow.

You are my first this Christmas.

You are a very special boy, you know.

You have been bad,

bad every day,

dreamt every night

of the next day’s evil.

It takes a lot of knack

to give others misery

for three hundred and sixty

consecutive days!

How many boys have you beaten,

how many small animals killed?

Half the pets in this town

have scars from meeting you.

Am I Santa Claus? Cack, ack, ack!

Do I look like Santa, you little shit?

Look at my bare-bone skull,

my eyes like black jelly,

my tattered shroud.

My name is Ruprecht,

Knecht Ruprecht.

I am Santa’s cousin! Cack, ack, ack!

Do stop squirming and listen —

(of course I am hurting you!)

I have a lot of visits to make.

My coffin is moored to your chimney.

My vultures are freezing their beaks off.

But as I said, you are special.

You are my number one boy.

When you grow up,

you are going to be a noxious skinhead,

maybe a famous assassin.

Your teachers are already afraid of you.

In a year or two you will discover girls,

a whole new dimension of cruelty and pleasure.

Now let us get down to business.

Let me get my bag here.

Presents? Presents! Cack, ack, ack!

See these things? They are old,

old as the Inquisition,

make dental instruments look like toys.

No, nothing much, no permanent harm.

I shall take a few of your teeth,

and then I shall put them back.

This is going to hurt. There —

the clamp is in place.

Let's see now — where may I plug in

those electrodes?

Oh, now, do not whimper and pray to God!

As if you ever believed in God! Cack, ack, ack!

I know every tender place in a boy’s body.

There, that’s fine! My, look at the blood!

Look at the blood! Look at the blood!

You’ll be good from now on? That’s a laugh.

Am I doing this to teach you a lesson?

I am the Punisher. I do this

because I enjoy it! I am just like you!

There is nothing you can do!

I can make a moment of pain seem like a year!

No one will ever believe you!

Worse yet, you cannot change.

Tomorrow you will be more hateful than ever.

The world will wish you had never been born.

Well now, our time is up. Sorry for the mess.

Tell your mother you had a nosebleed.

Your father is giving you a hunting knife

for which I am sure you will have a thousand uses.

Just let me lick those tears from your cheeks.

I do love the taste of children's tears.

My, it is late! Time to fly! Cack, ack, ack!

I shall be back next Christmas Eve!

— Revised October 2019

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Knecht Ruprecht, from German folklore, is St. Nicholas' evil twin, who punishes bad children.