— Adapted by Brett Rutherford from a 1917 translation by
Herman Bernstein
from the collection, The Crushed Flower.
SILENCE! Silence! Silence! Come closer to me. Look into my
eyes! Always was I a fascinating creature, tender, sensitive, and grateful. I
was wise, and I was noble. And I am so flexible in the writhing of my graceful
body that it will afford you joy to watch my easy dance. Now I shall coil up
into a ring, flash my scales dimly, wind myself around tenderly and clasp my
steel body in my own gentle, cold embraces. One in many! One in many!
Be still! Be still! Look into my eyes!
So you do not like my writhing, and my straight, open look!
Oh, my head is heavy — therefore I sway about so quietly. Oh, my head is heavy
— therefore I look so straight ahead, as I sway about. Come closer to me. Give
me a little warmth; stroke my wise forehead with your fingers; in its fine
outlines yon will find the form of a cup into which flows wisdom, the dew of
the evening flowers. When I draw the air by my writhing, a trace is left in it
— the design of the finest of webs, the web of dream-charms, the enchantment of
noiseless movements, the inaudible hiss of gliding lines. I am silent and I
sway myself. I look ahead and I sway myself. What strange burden am I carrying
on my neck?
I love you.
Always was I a fascinating creature, and loved tenderly
those whom I loved. Come closer to me. Do you see my white, sharp, enchanting
little teeth? Kissing, I used to bite. Not painfully, no — just a trifle.
Caressing tenderly, I used to bite a little, until the first bright little
drops appeared, until a cry came forth which sounded like the laugh produced by
tickling. That was very pleasant — think not it was unpleasant; otherwise they
whom I kissed would not come back for more. It is only now that I can kiss only
once — how sad — only once! One kiss for each I love — how little for a loving
heart, for a sensitive soul, striving for a great union! But it is only I, the
sad one, who kiss but once, and must seek love again — he knows no other love
any more, to whom my one, tender, nuptial kiss is inviolable and eternal. I am
speaking to you frankly; and when my story is ended — I will kiss you.
See how I love you.
Look into my eyes. Is it not true that mine is a
magnificent, a powerful look? A firm look and a straight look? And it is
steadfast, like steel forced against your heart. I look ahead and sway myself,
I look and I enchant; in my green eyes I gather your fear, your loving,
fatigued, submissive longing. Come closer to me. Now I am a queen and you dare
not fail to see my beauty; but there was a strange time — Ah, what a strange
time! Ah, what a strange time! At the mere recollection I am agitated — Ah what
a strange time! No one loved me. No one respected me. I was persecuted with
cruel ferocity, trampled in the mud and jeered — Ah, what a strange time it
was! Sway, sway, one in many! One in many!
I say to you: Come closer to me.
Those others — why did they not love me? Back then, I was
also a fascinating creature, but without malice; I was gentle and I danced
wonderfully. But they tortured me. They burnt me with fire. Heavy and coarse
beasts trampled upon me with the dull steps of terribly heavy feet; cold tusks
of bloody mouths tore my tender body — and in my powerless sorrow I bit the
sand, I swallowed the dust of the ground — I was always dying of despair.
Crushed, I was dying every day. Every day I was dying of despair. Oh, what a
terrible time that was! The stupid forest has forgotten everything — it does not remember that time, but you
have pity on me. Come closer to me. Have pity on me, on the offended, on the
sad one, on the loving one, on the one who dances so beautifully.
Sadly, I love you.
How could I defend myself? I had only my white, wonderful,
sharp little teeth — they were good only for kisses. How could I defend myself?
It is only now that I carry on my neck this terrible burden of a head, and my
look is commanding and straight, but then my head was light and my eyes gazed
meekly. That was before I had poison. Oh, my head is so heavy und it is hard
for me to hold it up! Oh, I have grown tired of my look — two stones are in my
forehead, and these are my eyes. Perhaps the glittering stones are precious —
but it is hard to carry them instead of gentle eyes — they oppress my brain. It
is so hard for my head! I look ahead and sway myself; I see you in a green mist
— you are so far away. So, come closer to me.
You see, even in sorrow I am beautiful, and my look is
languid because of my love. Look into my pupil; I will narrow and widen it, and
give it a peculiar glitter — the twinkling of a star at night, the playfulness
of all precious stones — of diamonds, of green emeralds, of yellowish topaz, of
blood-red rubies. Look into my eyes: It is I, the queen — I am crowning myself,
and that which is glittering, burning and glowing — that which robs you of your
reason, your freedom and your life — it is poison. It is a drop of my poison.
How has it happened? I do not know. I did not bear ill-will
to the living.
I lived and suffered. I was silent. I languished. I hid
myself hurriedly when I could hide myself; I crawled away hastily. But they
have never seen me weep — I cannot weep; and my easy dance grew ever faster and
ever more beautiful. Alone in the stillness, alone in the thicket, I danced
with sorrow in my heart — they despised
my swift dance and would have been glad to kill me as I danced. Suddenly my
head began to grow heavy — How strange it is! — My head grew heavy. Just as
small and beautiful, just as wise and beautiful, it had suddenly grown terribly
heavy; it bent my neck to the ground, and caused me pain. Now I am somewhat
used to it, but at first it was dreadfully awkward and painful. I thought I was
sick.
And suddenly ... Come closer to me. Look into my eyes. Be
still! Be still! Be still!
And suddenly my look became heavy — it became fixed and
strange — I even frightened myself! I want to glance and turn away — but
cannot. I always look straight ahead, I pierce with my eyes ever more deeply, I
am as though petrified. Look into my eyes. It is as though I am astonished,
turned-to-stone, petrified, as though everything I look upon is petrified. Look
into my eyes.
I am not stone: I love you. Do not laugh at my frank story,
or I shall be angry. Every hour I open my sensitive heart, for all my efforts
are in vain — I am alone. My one and last kiss is full of ringing sorrow — and
the one I love is not here, and I seek love again, and I tell my tale in vain —
my heart cannot bare itself, and the poison torments me and my head grows
heavier. Am I not beautiful in my despair? Come closer to me.
Closer, because I love you.
Once I was bathing in a stagnant swamp in the forest — I
love to be clean — it is a sign of noble birth, and I bathe frequently. While
bathing, dancing in the water, I saw my reflection, and as always, fell in love
with myself. I am so fond of the beautiful and the wise! And suddenly I saw —
on my forehead, among my other inborn adornments, a new. strange sign — Was it
not this sign that has brought the heaviness, the petrified look, and the sweet
taste in my mouth? Here a cross is darkly outlined on my forehead — right here
— look. A cross! Come closer to me. Is this not strange? But I did not
understand it at that time, and I liked it. Let there be no more adornment. And
on the same day, on that same terrible day, when the cross appeared, my first
kiss became also my last — my kiss became fatal. One in many! One in many!
Oh!
You cherish precious stones (I know you do) but think, my
beloved, how far more precious is a little drop of my poison. It is such a
little drop. — Have you ever seen it? Never, never. But you shall find it out.
Consider, my beloved, how much suffering, painful humiliation, powerless rage
devoured me: how much I had to experience in order to bring forth this little
drop. I am a queen! I am a queen! In one drop, brought forth all by myself, I
carry death unto the living, and my kingdom is limitless, even as grief is
limitless, even as death is limitless. I am queen! My look is inexorable. My
dance is terrible! I am beautiful! One in many! One in many!
Oh!
Do not be faint. My story is not quite done. Come closer.
So then I crawled into the stupid forest, into my green
dominion.
Now it is a new way, a terrible way! I was kind like a
queen; and like a queen I bowed graciously to the right and to the left. And
they — they ran away! Like a queen I bowed benevolently to the right and to the
left — and they, queer people — they ran away. What do you think? Why did they
run away?
What do you think? Look into my eyes. Do you see in them a
certain glimmer and a flash? The rays of my crown blind your eyes, you are
petrified, you are lost. I shall soon dance my last dance — do not fall back. I
shall coil into rings, I shall flash my scales dimly, and I shall clasp my
steel body in my own gentle, cold embraces. Here I am! Accept my only kiss, my
nuptial kiss — in it is the deadly grief of all oppressed lives. One in many!
One in many!
Bend down to me. I love you.
Die!
—From the new Yogh & Thorn/Poet's Press edition,
Two Russian Exiles: Selected Fiction
of Mihail Artsybashev and Leonid Andreyev.