Knecht Ruprecht, or The Bad Boy's Christmas

Don't even think of calling your
mother or father.
They can't hear you.
No one can help you now.
I came through the chimney
 in the form of a crow.

You're my first this Christmas.
You're a very special boy, you know.
You've been bad,
bad every day,
dreamt every night
 of the next day's evil.
It takes a lot of knack
 to give others misery
for three hundred and sixty
consecutive days!
How many boys have you beaten?
How many small animals killed?
Half the pets in this town
 have scars from meeting you.
Am I Santa Claus? Cack, ack, ack!
Do I look like Santa, you little shit?
Look at my bare-bone skull,
   my eyes like black jelly,
   my tattered shroud.
My name is Ruprecht,
 Knecht Ruprecht.
I'm Santa's cousin! Cack, ack, ack!

Stop squirming and listen--
 (of course I'm hurting you!)
I have a lot of visits to make.
My coffin is moored to your chimney.
My vultures are freezing their beaks off.

But as I said, you're special.
You're my number one boy.
When you grow up,
you're going to be a noxious skinhead,
maybe a famous assassin.
Your teachers are already afraid of you.
In a year or two you'll discover girls,
a whole new dimension  of cruelty and pleasure.

Now let's get down to business.
Let me get my bag here.
Presents? Presents! Cack, ack, ack!
See these things? They're old,
old as the Inquisition,
make dental instruments look like toys.

No, nothing much, no permanent harm.
I'll take a few of your teeth,
then I'll put them back.
This is going to hurt.  There--
the clamp is in place.
Let's see--where to plug in
those electrodes?

Oh, now, don't whimper and pray to God!
As if you ever believed in God! Cack, ack, ack!
I know every tender place in a boy's body.
There, that's fine! My, look at the blood!

You'll be good from now on? That's a laugh.
Am I doing this to teach you a lesson?
I am the Punisher. I do this
because I enjoy it! I am just like you!

There is nothing you can do!
I can make a minute of pain seem like a year!
No one will ever believe you!

Worse yet, you cannot change.
Tomorrow you will be more hateful than ever.
The world will wish you had never been born.

Well now, our time is up. Sorry for the mess.
Tell your mother you had a nosebleed.

Your father is giving you a hunting knife
for which I'm sure you'll have a thousand uses.

Just let me lick those tears from your cheeks.
I love the taste of children's tears.

My, it's late! Time to fly! Cack, ack, ack!
 I'll be back next Christmas Eve!

Knecht Ruprecht, from German folklore, is St. Nicholas' evil twin, who punishes bad children. 


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